Non-binary Identities are Valid

As a non-binary trans person, my gender is invalidated from almost every direction. After all, my gender identity has been invalidated since I was a little kid and I was told in one way or another, over and over again, that I was supposed to be a girl. When I was 19, I was told I could either be a lesbian or a transgender male, but that talking about anything else in between or different was "weird" "gross" "freaky" and outwardly laughed at. After that, I pretty much stopped talking about it for 10 years. Today, being open and generally "out" as non-binary, I am invalidated when people use the wrong pronouns, call me "miss" or "ma'am" or "lady," refer to me as part of a group of women, etc. It's one thing to be invalidated by strangers. That's easier to shrug off. It's another thing to be invalidated by people closer to you. These seemingly small things remind me every day that I am not seen as who I really am.

Some ways to combat non-binary erasure in your everyday life:

• Avoid assuming people's gender! This is a good idea all around.
• Practice using gender-neutral language! Don't use "ladies" or "gentlemen" or other gendered words for a group of people if you aren't certain of each individual's gender. How about "folks" or "everyone"? Don't use "sir" or "ma'am" or other gendered words for people you don't know (sometimes when I get "ma'amed" I want to poke people in the eye! No offense. I probably won't.) Don't say "boys and girls," or "ladies and gents." How about, "children," or "my good people!" 
• Don't assume pronouns, and use the correct pronouns even if they are challenging for you! 
• Remember to consider non-binary people when talking about gender issues and/or trans issues. If you are talking about bathrooms, for example, remember that the issue is not just about allowing people to use the facility that matches their gender, it is also about non-binary people not having an option that matches their gender at all! When discussing children, parenting, and schools, don't forget that some of those trans kids may be non-binary! 

Model this for your children, for your friends and family, and your coworkers!

Non-binary people exist and are valid.

[image description: drawing of a person with their hands raised and eyes closed,
a solemn look on their face. A banner below says "DO NOT ERASE NON BINARY
PEOPLE."] image from dakshinadeer on Redbubble.com

There are many different non-binary identities that people might claim, and sometimes people might change what they say their gender is (I used to use the term genderfluid, because my gender feels fluid in some ways, but I stopped using that when I realized that I do not experience my gender fluctuating from one gender to another as clearly as many people do who identify as genderfluid). Even if someone is uncertain about their gender or changes their mind about what term to use, their identity is valid. It can be confusing to explore all these different new terms in a world where we were taught the binary was the only way.

Why are some people so skeptical of non-binary identities?

Well, to start with the obvious, we were raised in a society that says there are only two genders--male and female. It can be hard to unlearn these concepts that have been so ingrained starting in early childhood.

Unfortunately, it is not just cis people who erase or invalidate non-binary identities. Some binary trans people are not accepting of non-binary trans people. I hope this is not the case for the most part, and I haven't experienced this in my personal life, but I certainly have run into this online. This especially comes up when someone doesn't want to or can't medically transition, or when they don't want to fully medically transition (this also affects binary trans people who can't or don't want to medically transition).

Sometimes this invalidation comes from other non-binary people! Look out for the gender police! Are you trans enough? Are you genderqueer the same way as me? I think this comes from internalized transphobia and feeling insecure about one's own identity being validated. It's sad when I see this happen, though.

[image description: the face of a snarling wolf and the words, "NO GENDER POLICE ALLOWED."]

If you are skeptical of non-binary identities, whether intentional or not, do some research. Non-binary people have existed throughout world history. The rise of patriarchal oppressive (and often Christian) governments and ruling class is what snuffed out the visibility of trans people, as being trans was considered a threat to the ruling class of men, and seen as a pagan practice. Joan of Arc, for example, was burned at the stake because they would not cease dressing in men's clothing, and were therefore considered pagan and dangerous to the patriarchy. Many Native American tribes also recognize more than two genders, as do/did many other cultures around the world. If you are interested in learning more, an excellent starting point is Leslie Feinberg's "Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman." I know there are many other books and works out there on this subject that I have yet to explore! If you have some to suggest, please share them in the comments!

Personal Pronouns, Pretty Please!

'He' and 'she' just don't cut it for some of us, but fortunately there are other options! Those of us living outside of the binary may choose pronouns you aren't used to using or haven't heard of before! So, cis friends, some requests:
Please don't complain about non-binary pronouns (or changes in binary pronouns). 

[image description: six nametags reading: Hello, Address
me as (blank) Please Use: They, Them, Theirs; He, Him,
His; (blank); She, Her, Hers; Ze, Hir, Hirs; Xe, Xem, Xyrs]

I think most trans people can acknowledge that changing pronouns can be challenging, and that it can take time to get used to using pronouns you haven't heard of before (like, maybe, ey/em/eir/eirs/eirself or xe/xir/xir/xirs/xirself). My personal pronouns are they/them/their/theirs/themself. Personally, I don't want to correct people all the time, so please just practice and hold yourself accountable. If you mess up, just briefly apologize and correct yourself. Please don't dwell on it. And seriously, don't complain about it! What does that do but make your trans friend feel guilty for asking to be acknowledged as who they are?! If you want to be an awesome ally and friend, one thing you can do is practice using the correct pronouns. As I told my friends, go ahead and talk about me! Lol. There are websites that can help you practice different pronouns, too, like the pronoun dressing room, which also has a pretty good sized list of personal pronoun options. (a note: if you are practicing with they/them pronouns on that website, click "plural." Even though it is singular, the common way to use it is as though it were plural, grammar-wise.)

It should go without saying, but unfortunately this needs to be said, too:
Don't argue with someone about their pronouns. It's not up to you what pronouns people use. Using the correct pronouns is a matter of respect. Don't complain about grammar (seriously, 'singular they' has been used in language for a long time.... person 1: "My friend just got into a car accident!" person 2: "Oh no, are they okay?"). Don't tell someone their pronouns aren't real. We live in a society that has been oppressively shaped by patriarchy where only "he" and "she" are recognized as valid. Non-binary people deserve to exist and be acknowledged for who they are, and sometimes creating new pronouns or using less common pronouns is one way to do that. Just because someone's personal pronouns haven't made it into the dictionary yet, doesn't mean they aren't real! Saying so is just close-minded.

[image description: Text: Pronoun Dos and Don'ts: When someone asks you to use a different pronoun: DON'T: cartoon of a person saying, "What? 'Zie' isn't a real pronoun. Don't you have something more normal that you use? DON'T: Cartoon of a person saying "But it's not grammatically correct to use 'they' as a singular pronoun." WHY? You are not being asked to evaluate this person's gender identity or preferred terminology. (Also, I have not yet witnessed a verson of this conversation in which the person arguing is actually correct.)] from Robot Hugs. http://robothugscomic.tumblr.com/post/97107162945/new-comic-pronouns-right-super-weird-little

Non-binary trans people don't choose their pronouns to make life difficult for cis people. We choose our pronouns to feel validated as who we are. We choose different pronouns because "he" or "she" never felt right. If you have never had to think about your pronouns, if your pronouns are in the dictionary and used by society at large, that is a privilege that many non-binary folks don't have.

Not all non-binary people choose to change their personal pronouns, and some choose to change to a different binary pronoun. This doesn't make their gender any less valid than anyone else's. Personal pronouns are a personal choice.

[image description: a cartoon of two characters sitting close and facing
each other, one saying, "You had me at 'What gender pronoun
d'you prefer?'..." with a pink heart as the background] from:
http://rewriting-the-rules.com/2013/09/23/diva-article-on-non-binary-gender/

One more thing: it is okay to ask someone what pronouns they prefer! It is often suggested that you start by giving yours. I would say, "Hi, I'm Coco. My personal pronouns are they/them. What are yours?" or something like that. Some cis people might think this is an inappropriate question because they think that their gender is "obvious" but the truth is, you can never really tell. If they are offended by the question, it is because of cisnormative conditioning, and it's about time we all start breaking down those walls.