Growing Up Non-binary at the Turn of the Century

As far back as I can remember, I have known that I did not fit into "female" or "male" categories. It wasn't until I was an adult, however, that I realized there were others who, like me, were neither male nor female. To be clear: I'm not talking about genitals or chromosomes (which are truly none of anybody's business). Gender is not the same thing as biological sex. Gender is much harder to define. It is an internal sense of self. (I will go more into working definitions of gender another time.)

As a 5 year old, I requested to be called "Johnny" and insisted I was a boy. After a while, this phased out, but I never lost the feeling that I was not really a girl. My mom enlightened me on how radical, strong, smart, and brave women can be. This was really important for me to see, but it didn't make me feel any more female. I longed to cut my hair short; I hated to dress in "feminine" clothing. I continued, however, to try to be a girl. That's what I was supposed to be.

[image description: author as a young child,
with blonde hair to their shoulders, wearing a jean jumper,
and a black and green checkered baseball cap, smiling slightly.]

I was teased for being masculine in elementary school and middle school. I recall a classmate looking at me with disgust one day and saying, "Your voice is really deep, like a boy's. And your nose is big." My best friend was often invited to play with the girls, but I was always ostracized. The girls didn't want to play with me, the boys didn't want to play with me. I was fortunate to have one close friend at school and one close friend in my neighborhood. In middle school, all I wanted was to blend in. No matter how I tried, I didn't. There were a few kids in 6th grade who were making fun of me, calling me a lesbian and a freak. One day, I took my mom's advice and when I was called a lesbian, I told that person to "grow up," but that didn't shut her up, it provoked her to physically attack me. The name-calling continued through middle school (and high school). I tried to reclaim the word "Freak" as my own nickname in 8th grade. I didn't know at the time that there were other people like me, or that Kate Bornstein, an amazing gender non-conforming trans person, had discovered hir own place outside the gender binary, and reclaimed the word freak as well (oh what would life had been like had I known about Auntie Kate all those years ago?!).

[image description: author at 12 yrs old, wearing a
checkered red/blue suit jacket, grey tie, and short brown
wig, holding an acoustic guitar and smiling largely.]

In high school, I came out to most people as queer, simply by ceasing to deny it when questioned/accused. At the time, I was labelled a lesbian. I couldn't figure out why I didn't like that word. Maybe part of it was my own internalized homophobia, but I think a big part of it was that it lumped me in with a bunch of women. I still didn't relate. In college, I found a queer group. I met some people who were transgender. When I got brave enough to ponder my gender identity out loud, I was told by one of the leaders of the group that I was "either a dyke, or a tranny boy," but that there was nothing in between. (Please note that dyke and tranny are both considered derogatory. I included them because that is the language that was used, and I think there was a lot of internalized homophobia and transphobia showing up in that particular queer group).

During/after college, I started dressing "in drag" a lot. I would bind with an ace bandage and draw on facial hair. I passed fairly easily as male, when I wanted to. I called myself a "gender bender." That was the first term I actually liked for myself. I started saying I was queer, which was more comfortable because it was vague and didn't say anything about my gender. I think I first heard the word "genderqueer" about four or five years ago. I remember saying, "Yes, I am that!" At the time, I heard it used only as a descriptor, like, "I'm a genderqueer woman." It was only a year or so ago that I realized that I didn't have to define as either a woman or a man, I could define as neither. I could simply say "I'm genderqueer" or "I'm non-binary." That is my truth. For the first time in my life, I am comfortable with my gender identity. I have masculine traits and feminine moments, but truly I am neither male nor female.

[image description: author at approx. 20 yrs old, brown hair
to their chin, brown beard drawn on, wearing black blazer, white
button down, and a tie. Looking to the side, serious expression.
Behind them is a vase with flowers and a poster of a tree in bloom.]

The Gender Binary is a system (created by society) in which there are only two genders: male and female. Gender is actually more complex and diverse than that. There are many gender identities being claimed today. Each is valid. The only person who can determine someone's gender is oneself. Non-binary means a gender that exists outside of the binary of male and female. Genderqueer is also a blanket term for gender that exists outside of the binary, but with a political connotation in reclaiming the word "queer." Trans is short for transgender and is an umbrella term covering any and all gender identities that are not cis-male or cis-female (cis-gender means someone identifies as the same gender they were assigned at birth based on their sex organs). I am a genderqueer/non-binary trans person, and I am proud to finally be embracing my gender.

[image description: left image: a person smiling and laughing, with black and purple-ish hair, tan skin, grey sweater, lip piercings. Speech bubbles around them from other directions say, "You're either a boy or a girl," "You're one or the other," "boy or girl," "You can't just be neither!" Right: same person, expression serious and pupils red, saying, "Fucking watch me!" source: Fawning Prince]