As far back as I can remember, I have known that I did not fit into
"female" or "male" categories. It wasn't until I was an adult, however,
that I realized there were others who, like me, were neither male nor
female. To be clear: I'm not talking about genitals or chromosomes
(which are truly none of anybody's business).
Gender is not the same thing as biological sex.
Gender is much harder to define. It is an internal sense of self. (I
will go more into working definitions of gender another time.)
As
a 5 year old, I requested to be called "Johnny" and insisted I was a
boy. After a while, this phased out, but I never lost the feeling that I
was not really a girl. My mom enlightened me on how radical, strong,
smart, and brave women can be. This was really important for me to see,
but it didn't make me feel any more female. I longed to cut my hair
short; I hated to dress in "feminine" clothing. I continued, however, to
try to be a girl. That's what I was supposed to be.
 |
[image description: author as a young child,
with blonde hair to their shoulders, wearing a jean jumper,
and a black and green checkered baseball cap, smiling slightly.] |
I was teased for being masculine in elementary school
and middle school. I recall a classmate looking at me with disgust one
day and saying, "Your voice is really deep, like a boy's. And your nose
is big." My best friend was often invited to play with the girls, but I
was always ostracized. The girls didn't want to play with me, the boys
didn't want to play with me. I was fortunate to have one close friend at
school and one close friend in my neighborhood. In middle school, all I
wanted was to blend in. No matter how I tried, I didn't. There were a
few kids in 6th grade who were making fun of me, calling me a lesbian
and a freak. One day, I took my mom's advice and when I was called a
lesbian, I told that person to "grow up," but that didn't shut her up,
it provoked her to physically attack me. The name-calling continued
through middle school (and high school). I tried to reclaim the word
"Freak" as my own nickname in 8th grade. I didn't know at the time that
there were other people like me, or that
Kate Bornstein,
an amazing gender non-conforming trans person, had discovered hir own
place outside the gender binary, and reclaimed the word freak as well
(oh what would life had been like had I known about Auntie Kate all
those years ago?!).
 |
[image description: author at 12 yrs old, wearing a
checkered red/blue suit jacket, grey tie, and short brown
wig, holding an acoustic guitar and smiling largely.] |
In high school, I came out to most people as queer,
simply by ceasing to deny it when questioned/accused. At the time, I was
labelled a lesbian. I couldn't figure out why I didn't like that word.
Maybe part of it was my own internalized homophobia, but I think a big
part of it was that it lumped me in with a bunch of women. I still
didn't relate. In college, I found a queer group. I met some people who
were transgender. When I got brave enough to ponder my gender identity
out loud, I was told by one of the leaders of the group that I was
"either a dyke, or a tranny boy," but that there was nothing in between.
(Please note that dyke and tranny are both considered derogatory. I
included them because that is the language that was used, and I think
there was a lot of internalized homophobia and transphobia showing up in
that particular queer group).
During/after college, I
started dressing "in drag" a lot. I would bind with an ace bandage and
draw on facial hair. I passed fairly easily as male, when I wanted to. I
called myself a "gender bender." That was the first term I actually
liked for myself. I started saying I was queer, which was more
comfortable because it was vague and didn't say anything about my
gender. I think I first heard the word "genderqueer" about four or five
years ago. I remember saying, "Yes, I am that!" At the time, I heard it
used only as a descriptor, like, "I'm a genderqueer woman." It was only a
year or so ago that I realized that I didn't have to define as either a
woman or a man, I could define as neither. I could simply say "I'm
genderqueer" or "I'm non-binary." That is my truth. For the first time
in my life, I am comfortable with my gender identity. I have masculine
traits and feminine moments, but truly I am neither male nor female.
 |
[image description: author at approx. 20 yrs old, brown hair
to their chin, brown beard drawn on, wearing black blazer, white
button down, and a tie. Looking to the side, serious expression.
Behind them is a vase with flowers and a poster of a tree in bloom.] |
The Gender Binary is a system (created by society) in
which there are only two genders: male and female. Gender is actually
more complex and diverse than that. There are many gender identities
being claimed today. Each is valid. The only person who can determine
someone's gender is oneself. Non-binary means a gender that exists
outside of the binary of male and female. Genderqueer is also a blanket
term for gender that exists outside of the binary, but with a political
connotation in reclaiming the word "queer." Trans is short for
transgender and is an umbrella term covering any and all gender
identities that are not cis-male or cis-female (cis-gender means someone
identifies as the same gender they were assigned at birth based on
their sex organs). I am a genderqueer/non-binary trans person, and I am
proud to finally be embracing my gender.
 |
| [image
description: left image: a person smiling and laughing, with black and
purple-ish hair, tan skin, grey sweater, lip piercings. Speech bubbles
around them from other directions say, "You're either a boy or a girl,"
"You're one or the other," "boy or girl," "You can't just be neither!"
Right: same person, expression serious and pupils red, saying, "Fucking
watch me!" source: Fawning Prince] |
